Love Your Neighbor

What do I do? This is the question that has kept going through my mind last week as I have seen so many families struggling. I’ve read the Facebook posts of my African American friends and my heart has wept with them. 

I am a middle aged white male that lives in an agricultural area that is 96.7% Caucasian. This makes me feel like I should be the last person to speak on this matter but when you see injustice you can’t remain quiet. When your friends are hurting, you don’t ignore it.

 I am going to step out on a limb here and share what I’ve learned about inclusion based on my experience as a dad of a child with special needs. I’m not pretending to understand the depth of the pain that people of color are experiencing and I’m not saying that the pain or injustice is equal.

As a special needs dad, I remember the disgusted looks when our son melted down in public. The comments and the whispering under the breath. I’ve seen the public make fun of those with disabilities. Kids calling other kids with developmental disabilities names and parents turning kids away so they wouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable around the nonverbal child.

The sad thing is that this is not just limited to public settings. I can share story after story of families who were told their child was not welcome at a church because they were “disruptive” or the church didn’t know how to come alongside them. I can share story after story of families of kids with disabilities that have completely walked away from the church because of how badly they’ve been hurt.

Perhaps this is your story. 

In Matthew 12, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was. He replied that the first is to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. He went on to say that the second greatest command is to love your neighbor as yourself. 

As I look back at the period of time in our lives mentioned above, what our family would have wanted and what many of the other families we talk to would have wanted is to be loved and to have their children be loved. 

It is hard to love someone as yourself if you don’t know them.

In that season of a few years where things were especially rough, we only had one couple sit down with us and ask us how we were doing. They then just sat there and listened and listened and listened some more. They didn’t offer advice. They didn’t go into fix it mode. They didn’t make promises.

They loved us by listening.

So back to my original question. What do I do? I can love my neighbor as myself and I can do this by listening.

Written by Jonathan McGuire

Jonathan McGuire is the father of two sons and two sons and the Co-Founder of Hope Anew, a nonprofit that comes alongside the parents of children impacted by disabilities and special needs on a spiritual and emotional level.

You can follow Hope Anew on Facebook HERE. Hope Anew has launched the Hope Anew Online community and would love to have you be a part of it! You can learn more about it at WWW.HOPEANEW.COM.  

DUE TO COVID-19, HOPE ANEW IS WAIVING ALL MEMBERSHIP FEES FOR THE COMMUNITY!

5 Things Parents Of Children With Special Needs Want You To Know

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to sit down with the parent of a child with special needs and ask them what it is like? More than likely you would be greeted with a glazed stare, both from exhaustion and from determining if you are safe person to share with. 

They say that the best way to get to know a person is to walk a mile in their shoes.  This really hits home with special needs.  Many parents of children with additional needs have been hurt by well-meaning people who have never been in their shoes and it is difficult for them to really share where they are at with you.  However, if they open up, and I mean really open up, their answers will likely have the following five themes.

• It is really, really (can I add another really) lonely. When plans change, it is not because we are trying to avoid you.  We do value you and want to be with you but our kids are our priority.  We’re sorry we can’t make it to coffee, the guys night out, to the women’s retreat, to the ladies night, or to the family reunion.  Thank you for asking and please keep inviting us. That shows us that you still care.
• It is so hard and exhausting and will be hard for you to have a friendship with us.  We are a package deal with our kids.  It means that we are always in survival mode and never able to relax because something is bound to come up.  It is having to be hyper-vigilant, a strong advocate and on the ready.
• We are just like you. We are ordinary parents. We are not “Super Mom” or “Super Dad.” Please don’t try to encourage us by telling us that “God knew that you could handle a special needs child.” Some days we aren’t handling it very well at all.
• We often feel judged as parents.  We have to be creative and think out of the box.  We know you mean well but please don’t offer advice on how to parent.  As parents of children with additional needs, we have to do things differently.  Please respect our choices. Thank you for being understanding, having extra patience, and compassion.
• It is hard but it is amazing and I am a better person because of my child.  I love them and can’t imagine life without them.

Next time you are in a grocery store and see that mom sitting on the floor, while her child is melting down, let her know she is doing a good job.  When you see that friend with the autistic son, let them know you miss seeing them. Love them and when you are able, be there for them. 

We want to hear from you!  If you are the parent of a child with additional needs, what do you wish your friends and family knew?

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

“Can you hear me now?” In one simple phrase, Verizon highlighted and brought humor to a common frustration that befell many cell phone users.  We’ve all been there…talking away and eventually finding the line to be dead when we pause.  This leaves us wondering how long we have been talking to ourselves and at what point to resume the conversation when we finally reconnect. Or perhaps you have been in the position of trying to obtain some urgent piece of information like directions and the line is so garbled you can’t understand where to go next.  In one simple phrase, Verizon brought light to our desire to communicate and to be heard.

We all have a desire to be heard and this is an extremely meaningful way to come alongside families who have been impacted by special needs. 

In the three years that things were at their worst with our family, we only had one couple brave enough to invite us to sit down with them and share our journey and boy did we share our story.  We sat there over coffee, they listened, cried with us and didn’t offer a solution or other quick fix.  Now to be fair, we are fairly quiet and many people didn’t realize how bad it was.  However, that night was so refreshing and in so many ways it was healing just to be heard.  Did anything change in our situation?  No. But, we felt cared for, our pain was validated and we felt loved.

Listening is like any skill.  It takes practice.  Here are some tips to improve your listening skills to help those you are coming alongside feel heard.

·      Set aside time.  If you know someone is struggling, don’t give them five minutes in passing to share their heart. It will likely take a while for them to really be real with you.

·      Make eye contact.  Set down the cell phone.  Don’t take calls, check Facebook, reply to texts and don’t frequently check the time.

·      Be present…  Focus on what they are saying and not how you are going to respond.  Periodically repeat back to them in your words what you heard them say.

·      Acknowledge how they felt.  “Wow, that must have been…”  Don’t minimize the situation, over spiritualize, or offer some cliché response.  For example, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is NOT helpful (or Biblical).

·      Love them.  When you leave your time together, they should feel loved and not judged.  They may be believing things that are not true.  As you develop your relationship with them, there may be a time to address that with them but that time is usually not when they are first sharing their story with you.

·      Finally, don’t avoid them afterwards or leave them wondering if they overshared.

So, “Can you hear me now?” 

What of the above tips can you implement to strengthen your listening skills?  Is there a family impacted by special needs that would be encouraged by having you intentionally sit down with them to hear their story?

“I called on the Lord in my distress, and I cried to my God for help.  From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears.” ~ Psalms 18:6 (HCSB)