Spreading His Wings
On Sunday we lost Ben.
He had filled his backpack full of things he needed for camp and headed out the door on foot to try to make it to Rockbridge Camp. Out of all the things he has lost because of quarantine, this has been the hardest loss.
Ben loves Rockbridge because it’s an incredible camp for students with disabilities. We found this camp through YoungLife’s Capernaum ministry. It’s an awesome ministry that has really blessed Ben and our family.
When Ben left that day, I am not sure what he was actually thinking. Was he really trying to get to camp by foot? Or, was he just dying to go somewhere alone? I know what I was thinking, and all of the scenarios in my head weren’t good. In the first 10 minutes I had already pictured him kidnapped and I was scared!
After we realized he was gone, we all headed out on a hunt for him. His brother and Dad were on bikes and I was in the car. Despite our effort to fan out and cover a wide area, he somehow managed to dodge all of us!
Thankfully we finally found him 2 neighborhoods away! Looking back, now what seemed like an eternity really wasn’t that long. He was probably only lost for 20-30 minutes. But, it felt much longer.
While he had a bag packed “for camp”, I think there was more to his escape. Ben is 18 and just like any teen he wants to be independent. That’s something we all want, right? Many kids look forward to being able to walk to a friend’s house alone. Or, the day they get a license and can drive off and be independent. Or, the real independence of living alone.
And then there it is again —the heart pain. I have felt these pains before. The pain of wanting him to have something that I can’t always give him. Once again, having to let go of what I want and see what I have been given. This has been my heartache my entire life, and I think it will forever be there. You see, I don’t know if I can ever give him the independence he wants. Of course he can eventually take a walk on his own— but I don’t know that I can ever give him the independence he wants.
Special needs parenting is hard. I promise you, I don’t ever regret the gift God gave me. Any day of the week I can list a million blessings I have seen just for having him in my life. But, my heart still aches sometimes. Sometimes I look at him and see an 18 year old who has come so far and other times I see how far there is still to go. We can hide behind our smiles and hang on to each and every milestone we conquer but it doesn’t make any of it easy. Our lives will look different forever.
But on this Sunday I just prayed to have him home. The thought of losing him brought panic, because I don’t know what I would do without him. Even though he can often make my life a challenge, he also blesses me richly. He has taught me to trust God with so many of the unknowns with Ben’s life. And, by trusting Him there, I’ve learned how to trust Him better in other areas.
Ben has helped me see that God gives me the strength to be the mother he needs. I know I’m not perfect. In fact, there are some days where I feel like Ben and want to pack my bags and leave as well. Those days typically come when I’m tired, exhausted or sad. But even when these days are hard I have hope. My Heavenly Father promises me that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)
So as Ben starts to spread his wings and find some independence in his own life, I don’t have to fear. I can be hopeful because of God. And, I can spread my wings as well.
Written by Leigh Ann Kaman
