A Better Way

Here in Illinois we are in week 4 of the Coronavirus lockdown and our house is rapidly edging toward stir crazy. I am used to working from home. Pretty much no one else here is. My wife is a raging extravert and my daughter, a sophomore in high school, desperately wants to see her friends. Our oldest can’t go to work because it is shut down. Even my autistic son Nathan, who is in a transition program he doesn’t really like, wants to go back to school. Online school simply isn’t the same. His mom has been his paraprofessional and she is tough.

For most of us, the coronavirus pandemic is inconvenient, but for others, it really is causing suffering: people are dying from this disease, businesses are failing because they cannot operate. There is going to be fallout for some time to come. Just like our series looking at the causes of suffering related to our special needs children, many of us are asking why this pandemic is happening. Is it our fault? Is it God’s fault or the devil’s fault? Is there no fault at all? What are we to do about this?

As we have seen, these questions often lead to answers that come up short. The Bible simply doesn’t offer us a catalog of reasons for suffering. Sometimes we will suffer for following God, but that is clearly not the only kind of suffering we see in Scripture. Sometimes the reason is hidden. Sometimes we don’t get a reason. So what are we to do? How do we face another day, another meltdown, another shattered dream?

We look to God.

I know, I know, that sounds trite. A “Jesus Juke”. Something the person who has never had a problem says. I get it. I am tempted to respond that way, but beyond the cliché there is something real. When I say “look to God”, I mean it. Look to God’s character. When we do this, something very important comes to light.

Throughout the Old Testament, God is patient with his people. Old School King James: “long-suffering”. Over and over again God’s people fail. Adam and Eve, Cain, Abraham (often the same failures repeatedly), Jacob, Moses, the entire book of Judges, Saul, David, Solomon . . . you get the picture. God never abandons his people. He never walks away. They provoke his anger, yet he is patient. When his people repent, he is always there for them. He may have seemed far away, silent, but he is always closer than they think. Perhaps the most dramatic picture is the book of Hosea – a man who is repeatedly betrayed by his wife, who suffers greatly because of it, but who sees restoration and healing. Hosea is a picture of God and his wife Gomer is Israel. God understands suffering and is in his very nature long-suffering. But this is not the end of the story.

 In Jesus we see something more. Not only does God suffer because of his people, in Jesus he suffers with his people. Paul, in Philippians 2:5-11 reminds us that Jesus was God who chose to become a slave, a human and to die a violent death on our behalf. God suffers with his creation. God suffers for his creation. 

When we ask “why?!”, we mostly want to know that this suffering matters, that someone cares. Jesus shows us that God does care, that he is paying attention even if we do not see it. This changes everything. When we realize that God suffers on behalf of his rebellious children, the very children who broke his beautiful creation, when we see that he has taken the job of repairing the breach on himself, we can be encouraged to face the next day, the next challenge, the next . . .

We do not always see or understand how or where God is at work. We know, we have seen, that he is trustworthy. Jesus reminds us that God sees even the sparrow fall and that we are worth far more than a sparrow (Matt. 10:29-31). 

“Why?” is an important question, a question that does not, I believe, offend God in the slightest. It is a question we ought to ask. But we can’t live there. In Jesus God shows us that we don’t have to. In Jesus God holds out his hand to us and says

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matt. 11:28-30)

Written by Kevin O’Brien

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

"What Do You Mean There Is A Problem With My Child"

“What do you mean there is a problem with my child?”

In some ways the parent who refuses to acknowledge their child’s special needs is harder to help than the person who blames themselves or God or the devil for the reality they are facing (see the previous articles in this series for all of these responses). Sometimes it is hard to know what to do or to say even when you have been there yourself, even when you too have wanted to deny this reality.

As a society we have become much better at giving people with special needs dignity and respect. We don’t tolerate language or statements about people with special needs that were commonplace when I was in school. All of this is a step in the right direction, but sometimes I wonder if in our desire to do better, we haven’t also made a serious mistake.

Have we made it too hard to acknowledge brokenness?

I feel for the parent who does not want to acknowledge that their child has “special needs”. I have been there. It feels like a betrayal or failure. It dashes hopes and dreams, makes us feel like we are somehow less and means admitting that we are not really in control. Even more, I feel for the child who will not get the help they so desperately need until their parents acknowledge the truth. When a parent refuses to see that their child needs help like therapy or to be in a special needs classroom, they (usually inadvertently) hurt their child. When we are so afraid of offending that we do not speak up to actually help, are we being kind?

Compassion demands that we tell the truth. No, we should not be brutal or mean spirited about it. Yes, some people delight in telling the truth to inflict pain. But we do not abandon the truth because some abuse it. Healing can’t happen until the truth is seen. Our children with special needs are broken. But that is only a part of the story.

In the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, Genesis 1 and 2 tell the story of creation. God creates a glorious universe, a world teaming with beauty and life. We are told in Genesis 1:27 that God creates human beings – male and female – in His image! He declares all creation good and places humans in the middle of a garden. He gives us purpose and companionship. He gives us Himself.

 And we mess it up. Theologians call it “The Fall”. It happens in Genesis 3–pretty much the same page as all of the good stuff that came before. Everything is affected. As one of my professors used to say, “The Fall goes all the way down.” 

The truth is that we are ALL BROKEN.

Not a popular sentiment today. On the one hand, I am encouraged by the almost gut level reaction that people have to someone being called broken. It is right and good to give everyone dignity and respect, no matter who they are, where they come from, what their status or circumstance in life or even their abilities. But that doesn’t mean we cannot or should not acknowledge true brokenness – whether it is our own or the brokenness of others.

Often, we define our entire identity around one aspect of who we are. I am part of the (fill in the blank) community. It is easy to understand why a parent would not want their child’s disability to be the defining feature of their identity. I get it. I myself have resisted being “autism dad” as a writer for well over a decade.

Here’s the truth: I am the father of an autistic child. Nathan is broken. I can’t fix that. The difference between his brokenness and mine? Most of the time I can hide my brokenness to the outside world. He can’t. But that is not the sum total or even the most important part of my identity or his. Being broken is universal, but it is the beginning of the story not the end.

When we realize that everyone is broken, we can – have to – give up the idea that we are better, or worse, than anyone else. We can give up playing pretend. We can stop curating our Facebook/Instagram perfect lives and get real. 

My identity? First and foremost, above, before and through every other aspect of me is found in the fact that I am created in the image of God and redeemed in Christ. That is good news. News beyond any trauma or disability, beyond any one aspect of who we are. And as we will see next time, it points to a better way of understanding suffering.

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

It's The Devil's Fault

While some of us are tempted to ask why God allows our children to be born with special needs (see last month’s article), some of us have the opposite reaction. For them, the very idea of “blaming” God seems entirely out of bounds, yet the wound remains. The pain must be dealt with. And so, we blame the devil or demons.

Not long ago I ran across an article in a fairly prominent Christian magazine. A “prophetic healing evangelist” claimed to have healed two children of the “demon spirit” of autism. I make no judgment about the writer’s motivations or sincerity. Still, my blood boiled. Quoting Luke 17:19 where Jesus tells a man that his faith has made him well, this person claimed that as the mothers released their faith completely the full manifestation of the healings could be completed .

Let me be clear, I believe God heals. The New Testament, especially the Gospels, make it clear that demonic forces are real and do indeed inflict harm on the world. We should recall, however, that in the book of Job it is clear that the devil cannot simply do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

There are, however, real problems with this healer’s line of thinking.

In the story being quoted (Luke 17:11-19), Jesus heals 10 men with leprosy. Only one, a Samaritan, returns to thank Jesus. Samaritans were looked down on by the Jews of Jesus’ day because they were seen as half breeds who did not worship God correctly. When Jesus says that this man’s faith healed him, it is first about who he has faith in–namely Jesus–which would have been totally unexpected for a Samaritan.

Second his faith is clearly contrasted with the other lepers who are Jewish and therefore have right belief and worship (in theory anyway). Yes, our faith is important because Jesus works in and through it, however, it is not about how much we have. It is about what God does with it (remember too that the others were still healed). Just prior to this Jesus told the apostles all they needed was faith the size of a mustard seed (v.6)!

What does this have to do with the possibility of demonic influence in autism?

A few things. First, not all of Jesus’ healings were directly related to demons. We should not ever go down a path that says, “if it is bad it is therefore demonic.” This is simply not biblical belief and frankly gives the devil far more credit than he deserves. Sometimes a disease is a disease. Second, there is simply no indication from Jesus’ ministry that the size of our faith has any impact on removing demons and none where deliverance was in any way something that happened over time. When Jesus healed, he healed.

On the surface, one exorcism seems to indicate that it is our faith that is needed for healing, but closer inspection shows that this is not true. In Matthew 17:14-21, Mark 9:14-29 and Luke 9:37-49, Jesus heals a demon-possessed boy whose symptoms sound a lot like epileptic grand mal seizures. The boy’s father went to the disciples first, but they could not heal him. Then he goes to the source, Jesus himself. In Matthew’s account, when the disciples ask why they could not heal the boy (v.19), Jesus tells them it is because they did not have enough faith (vv.20-21), NOT the father!

Mark’s account seems to pose a problem. The father is understandably doubtful when he takes the boy to Jesus (after all the disciples just failed). He asks Jesus “if” he can do anything (v.22). Jesus replies “’if you can?’ Everything is possible for one who believes.” (v.23) Isn’t this proof that my faith as a father has a direct impact on my son’s healing? Not so fast (v.24):

 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

What parent of a child whom they want to see healed doesn’t understand this plea?

The man has faith to a point. He wants to believe, but his faith can only take him so far. And Jesus knows this. Because he heals the boy anyway. 

The devil is real. Demons are real. But they are not responsible for everything, certainly not every disease. It is spiritual malpractice to tell a parent that their child is suffering from demonic attack because they have a disease like autism. As we have seen over the past several articles, often we do not know why suffering happens. We do know that God is bigger than the cause of our suffering in any case. The world is a broken place. The question for us is not how big our faith is, but whom are we putting it in. Jesus has proven he is far more powerful than the devil.

Written by Kevin O’Brien

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

Why are you doing this God?

Why is this happening God?

The cry of the person in the midst of crisis. The demand of a parent with a special needs child: Why did this happen to my child? Why did this happen to us? To Me?

Often, perhaps too often, we are afraid we know the answer. Last month we looked at the possibility that it was our fault. In John 9 Jesus heals a man who was blind from birth. The disciples ask Jesus whose fault it was.

Jesus responds that it was no one’s fault, it was for God’s glory.

So if it’s not our fault, why would God allow this to happen? Why would God cause this to happen? Because one or the other seems to be the implication. It doesn’t really matter if you lean more in the direction of God making the suffering happen or allowing the suffering to happen, the end result is the same. Suffering is here and you are in the middle of it.

We are not alone in asking this question. The writers of the Psalms, especially David, ask why God would allow suffering. Job asks God straight out:

If I have sinned, what have I done to you,

you who see everything we do?

Why have you made me your target?

Have I become a burden to you?

Job 7:20, NIV

Lots of people offer us reasons why God might allow or even cause something so painful. All too often the reasons are more than a bit like those of Job’s friends. They sound pious, they may even contain some truth, but they make a very significant mistake. They claim to have certain knowledge of the mind of God when it comes to the very specific situation we face. Knowledge they simply can’t have.

God never answers Job’s question. He doesn’t explain. The closest Job gets to an answer is in chapters 38-40. There God demands to know if Job really has the standing to question him. God asks Job, “Do you really want to correct me? (40:2); is your sense of justice really greater than mine (40:8); do you have the power that I have, the power to save? (40:9-12); do you know the secrets of the universe (Ch. 38-39).

The bible is full of people crying out to God in their suffering. We see it in the Psalms. There is an entire book called “Lamentations”. The issue is not grief. It is not asking why. Job is not condemned for asking why. God challenges him for questioning his character.

The implication is clear: Job, you don’t have enough information to make the kind of judgment you are making. You don’t have the perspective you need to say that I have mistreated you. Because that is really what we are saying when we blame God for whatever is happening. God, this is your fault and I don’t deserve it. You are mistreating me.

Why is not the problem. It is a perfectly good and legitimate question. We need to ask why. the problem is that we cannot live there. In the midst of our suffering we are tempted to.

God generally doesn’t give us the answer to our whys. He doesn’t tell us the reason for suffering, instead the Bible tells us (repeatedly) to expect it. So the question we really need to be asking ourselves is “can I trust God even when I don’t understand?” If we really believe the God is who He says He is in the Bible, then as hard as it is in the moment, we know the answer is yes. From Genesis to Revelation God is the God of good things, the God who creates a good universe (Genesis 1), the God who is light not darkness (1 Jn 1:5), who comes to save His people over and over again, especially and finally in Jesus, the God who will one day set all things to right (revelation 21-22).

This does not make the road easy. It does not erase the suffering. But it does offer hope.

The hope that while we do not always understand or even see the way forward, we can trust that God has our best in mind and as the apostle Paul says to the church in Philippi:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Rom. 8:35,37 NIV

Written by Kevin O’Brien

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto.  Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group.

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.

Seeking Solace In The Pain

Job tells the story of a man whose entire life was taken from him in a single day: his property and livestock stolen or destroyed, his servants and children killed.

Seven sons.

Five daughters.

7,000 sheep.

3,000 camels.

500 yoke of oxen.

500 donkeys.

“a large number of servants.”

 “This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil” (Job 1:1 NIV) yet he was struck with the starkest of pains. Natural disaster and human evil together devastate Job’s life. Like us, Job cries out to God in despair. Job chapters 3 and 6 show the depths of that despair: he wishes that he had never been born, that God would grant him the release of death. He cannot eat, he cannot rest, he is completely undone.

If only my anguish could be weighed

    and all my misery be placed on the scales!

It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas

Job 6:2-3a

As a parent of an autistic child, Job’s words feel familiar, I have felt the same sting. Of course, he suffered far more than I, his calamity is far greater than mine, but in his anguish I dare to call him brother.

The problem with the book of Job is that it doesn’t do the one thing that you want it to do. It doesn’t tell us why pain and suffering exist. We all ask why. We all want to know the reason for our suffering, that it somehow matters. We want it justified. And as a rule, we don’t get an answer to this question. The book of Job in particular and the Bible as a whole do not set out to give systematic reasons for evil and suffering. There are pointers to be sure, but more so there is an assumption that suffering is a part of the world we live in. The bigger questions then, are how does God relate to us in this suffering, and what is He doing about it. The question for us is how should we respond?

All too often we buy into the modern, western notions that everything should work out for the best in every situation and if it doesn’t then there has got to be an answer. We have to find some explanation, something or someone to blame.

Barring that, we may deny the reality of the suffering altogether because it seems to somehow contradict what we believe about God and the nature of his interaction with the world. Are we afraid of what will happen if the truth gets out? Are we afraid of what will happen to us, to our belief, our world if we don’t have nice neat answers? Sometimes I think so.

Over the coming months, I want to look at how we, as parents of children with special needs, tend to respond to the reality that we face on a daily basis. We do not suffer in the way that our children do. We do not experience the often overwhelming and pervasive issues of being misunderstood, of not being able to cope with things that others take for granted, of not being able to communicate or see the world in the ways that “everyone else” does. But we do far more than simply see these things happen to our children. We “suffer with” in a very real sense. The heartache is real, the concern is real. The pain is real.

I have found that there are basically four responses we parents of special needs kids have when confronted with the often stark, in your face reality of the suffering of our children and yes, our own suffering. Perhaps one, perhaps all of them reflect your experience:

1.      Whose fault is this?

2.      Why would God allow this to happen/why would God do this?

3.      It is all the devil’s fault.

4.      Fault? There is no fault, how dare you suggest that? 

All four responses are entirely understandable, but none of them, I find, truly address the reality that we, and our children, face. I believe there is a better response. Harder, but better. It is realizing that God is a God who suffers with us.

So if any of these four responses feel familiar (or if all of them do) I invite you to take a journey with me to explore how we might better respond to the suffering we face.

Written by Kevin O’Brien

Kevin O’Brien is a husband, father, ordained minister, writer and volunteer theologian. He holds a Master of Divinity and Master of Theology from Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary where he won the Th.M. award in 1997. He has also done graduate work at the Institute for Christian Studies in Toronto. Kevin worked as a brand manager on the Bible team at Tyndale House Publishers. During his time at Tyndale he has helped to develop several Bibles and has written articles which have appeared in The Way, the iShine Bible, and the Illustrated Study Bible. He also wrote a series of devotionals for WAYFM’s World’s Biggest Small Group and is currently at work on a devotional series .

Most recently, Kevin wrote an Advent devotional eBook. You can find it here. 

Kevin lives in the far western suburbs of Chicago with his wife, three children, a dog, and a cat. He would prefer to spend his time reading, writing, woodworking and watching the Chicago Blackhawks.