Using the 5 Love Languages to Help Traumatized Kids
Using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids makes perfect sense to me. Not just because I’ve written extensively about childhood trauma and how to adapt the 5 love languages in special needs families. But because I’m the parent of a son affected by trauma and a former educator who witnessed the positive impact loving adults can make in a child’s life.
Written by Jolene Philo
Using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids makes perfect sense to me. Not just because I’ve written extensively about childhood trauma and how to adapt the 5 love languages in special needs families. But because I’m the parent of a son affected by trauma and a former educator who witnessed the positive impact loving adults can make in a child’s life.
The love languages are a simple tool that parents, teachers, day care providers, pastors, medical professionals, therapists, and other adults in children’s lives can use to amplify that impact. This is true whether a child’s trauma is caused by abuse, removal to foster care, divorce, natural disasters, accidents, the death of a loved one, painful and invasive medical or dental procedures, homelessness, or other overwhelming events.
Here’s why I believe using the 5 love languages to help traumatized kids is worthwhile.
The love languages help children feel safe. Traumatic events decrease a child’s feeling of security and safety. After the traumatic event, they need assurance that they are loved and safe. When those assurances are delivered in the child’s primary love language, the child will be more receptive to them. The love languages enhance communication. Children affected by trauma require frequent reminders that they are safe over a long period of time. The more trauma they’ve experienced, the more reminders they need. By speaking a child’s love language to deliver that reassurance in a variety of creative ways, they are more likely to hear and accept it.
The love languages improve observational skills. A child’s love language can often be determined by observing what motivates them, what calms them, and what they choose to do in their free time. Another technique is to use one love language with a child for a week for 5 weeks. Throughout the process, the child’s responses to each language is observed, recorded in a notebook, and evaluated to determine the child’s language. In the case of children dealing with trauma, those observations may also reveal what triggers and frightens them. This information can be used to eliminate trauma triggers and increase a child’s sense of safety.
The love languages make us more intentional. Once we know someone’s love language, we can intentionally insert them into our relationships. We can make them part of our kids’ daily lives and routine. Kids living with trauma thrive on routine because its predictability increases their sense of safety.
The love languages can provide insight for mental health practitioners. The love languages are a tool that can help traumatized children feel safe, but many need professional treatment to heal the mental wounds caused by trauma. A good trauma therapist will appreciate tips about how to gain a child’s trust and develop a good relationship, so go ahead and share your child’s love language.
I encourage you and your kids to visit the 5 love languages website where you can take free quizzes to determine your love languages. The book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families offers more guidance about how parents raising children with disabilities can determine their love languages and how to adapt them to meet a child’s unique individual needs.
Written by Jolene Philo
If you would like to learn more about using the 5 Love Languages to help children who have been traumatized, you won’t want to miss this week’s podcast that we did with Jolene. You can listen to it here.
